Being uncomfortable has never been my forte and yet lately I feel like I have dived into the deep end of uncomfortableness in the form of vulnerability. Anyone who knows me knows I like my walls, rarely do I let people inside of those walls, and rarely do I open up easily. I guess this is why I started this blog to be able to become comfortable with vulnerability. After being diagnosed with CKD I had a really hard time letting people know about it. It took time for me to open up, over the years it got easier as I became more accustomed with being vulnerable. Not that I’m even close to being comfortable when it comes to vulnerability or stepping outside of the comfort zones that my walls provide, but I’m learning how to be.
Sometimes in order to achieve growth in your personal life though stepping outside of comfort zones is mandatory. I was recently placed for evaluation for a transplant. Talk about stepping outside the comfort zone! It didn’t really hit me until I was sitting in the class getting information poured into my brain. This was real. This was happening. And the only thing I had control over was who I told about it. I took a leap and did something that completely scared me – I let every single person I work with know I was being evaluated for a transplant. I told myself it was because of the upcoming flu season, and I guess it partly was, but i don’t think that was the full reason, nor do I think I’m ready to dig deep enough to find that reason. In doing so, in telling them, I received concern and support that I didn’t know was there, I even had a few coworkers ask questions because they were going through similar things. I was able to help others and open the doors for others to help me.
For me vulnerability is scary and overwhelming and questionable. I know that good things can come from letting my walls down and letting people help and putting myself out there- outside of a comfort zone I have come to rely upon although a bit unwillingly.
I also know that my struggle with vulnerability and being uncomfortable can be a struggle for others to understand. I have an amazing support system; friends, family, coworkers. Even an amazing guy who is ready to hold my hand through it all. Everybody needs someone who will ride this crazy roller coaster called life with them, someone who makes you forget about how scary it can be to open up and be vulnerable, to let the walls down, someone who can help you grow, push you outside of your comfort zones.
I guess if you take anything from this rambling its to find someone to help you to become comfortable with being uncomfortable. Even when it becomes scary to let someone in, even if it scares you to be vulnerable or step over that line that separates your comfort zone from the unknown, because facing your fears grows who you are as a person and having someone to help makes it that much easier.